Get Him This Not That For Valentine's Day

Are you thinking flowers perhaps? Wrong choice ladies because his mind isn't thinking anywhere near receiving petals of any sort from you.  Here's a quick glance at what's really on his mind in regards to the choices you may be thinking about for Valentine's Day.

What he thinks: Ooh, goodie goodie! I've always wanted to cover my eyes with cucumbers, spread mud on my face and be ridiculed by my friends until I die.

What he really wants: A professional shave. Straight-edge blade, barber: the only acceptable (and masculine) mode of high-end pampering.

What he thinks: Okay, hold the smile a few more seconds so she'll think I REALLY love a photo of us in a cutsey frame of our wedding day?

What he really wants: Va va va voom!!! A photo of you...wearing very little. And ... it's not crazy if you're in a trusting, committed relationship (a real must).  A tasteful, professional boudoir shot will leave him panting.

What he thinks:   Silk underwear ... with hearts ... really??? Did ya get me matching socks too?

What he really wants: To see actual boxers. Specifically, tickets to a boxing match. Or a football game, tennis match or whatever his favorite sport happens to be.

What he thinks: He's looking at a cute, stuffed teddy bear with a big red bow.  This gift is so awful, it has him reevaluating your personality, his choices and your future together. (Okay, it's not that bad -- but really really close.)

What he really wants: You in a teddy. Your gift can be the whole sexy-night experience, complete with candles and massage oil. Cliche? Maybe. But oh baby!  Not in his eyes.

What he thinks: He's looking at an outfit you'd like to see him wear and he's thinking to himself how many times he has to wear it before burning it in the back yard.

What he really wants: Clothes (that he likes). Like all gifts, it should be about what the recipient wants and feels comfortable wearing even if his sense of style doesn't quite match yours.  It's the man you fell in love with, not how he dresses.  

What he thinks: Candy??? I liked this stuff when I was nine.

What he really wants: Liquor. What’s his drink of choice? Find a classy, upscale brand (hint: the bottle shouldn't be plastic), and if you feel that you need to Cupid it up, just tie a pink or red bow around it.

What he thinks: He opens a card and looking at a gift certificate to the gym and thinking ahhhh what the hell????  Why not just address the card to "Fat Ass"? 

What he really wants: Something outdoorsy and fun that fits his interests, as opposed to a self-improvement regimen. Depending on his thing, it could be anything from bike gear to camping, golf or fishing gear.